You are just sitting there with your friends, listening, smiling, and that’s when it suddenly hits you, the hollow sinking feeling at the base of your chest. The feeling of a sinking pit, where you are falling, in which your heart is shredding, and the feeling of loneliness and this incomprehensible abyss sets in. And, you just let it consume you. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, what you do, this merciless demon of blankness and boundless plague engulfs you, and you let it suck you in. Yes, that’s how it feels, as if a black hole inside you is sucking you in. I’ve heard and read, and come across many people who feel blue, cold and alone in this, I, I on the other hand, feel grey, or maybe black. I sense a black hollow pit inside my chest. I’ve seen people who feel nothing, and some who feel sad, and some who feel hell, the feeling of hell inside them, the burning, killings, the screams, and the terror, yes the terror.
You know when you are sleeping, and suddenly you are up, and the room is too dark to see anything, and when your eyes finally accustom to the lack of light around, you see a shape, a black shape of a disproportionate human, the shape that’s human enough to be recognized as one. And, then you shut your eyes hard, and hope, and wish with all your might, that that’s just your imagination. But, it doesn’t help. And then terrified, you try to sleep, but you can’t because suddenly each and every sense of your body is awake. You can feel the sheet slipping from your toes, the hairs on your leg stand up, and you start imagining things, a slight touch by something you can’t find, you hair seem to be slowly slipping away. And, you get tired, tired of this hypersensitivity, and you slowly drift towards sleep. And when you wake up, it all seems like a dream, but you are just thankful for the morning brightness, the sunlight, the glow all around you, you don’t have to worry about anything, and you see only the things that are real and matter. But the mornings are far away. Right now, you are in the feeling of drifting, falling in a black hole, an endless hollow pit, and I, for one, hope that this is sleep I am drifting towards,
But deep down, I know it’s not. I know if I fall in this pit, I am not coming out, I have to keep awake, and I have to fight this terrifyingly invitation. I have to fight with all my might, so I don’t get stuck in this black hole.
And, no matter how hard I try, it doesn’t seem possible. But, to survive, to stay awake, I have to believe it is. I have to stay hypersensitive, that too to all the loneliness and black shadows around me so I don’t bump into them, so I don’t fall into their arms, just so someone would embrace me. I have to fight this pit, one day at a time.